Who’s in Charge Here?
That is a loaded question, indeed. If you are a law enforcement agent, angry significant other, or the owner of that Mexican place in Berry Hill … it wasn’t us.
Grand Master: Wrong Way Corrigan
The head dude. The big cheese. The HMFIC. The guiding light. Gispert‘s legacy. The GM is not simply a figure head for the Hash; rather, s/he personifies the Hash’s character (or lack thereof). A leader with a dynamic strength that permeates the fabric of the organization. Both directly, and through the officers, s/he gives inspiration, direction, and vision to all. This job ranks only below Beer Meister, Hash Cash, Hash Mouth, and Hash Flash in real importance to the Hash.
Religious Advisor: Flush
Keeper of the faith. Enforcer of the scriptures. This is the Hasher who has seen the light (Bud Light) and can taste in his soul the true spirit of Hashing. The RA spreads the word and inspires the zest and zeal of the Hash in all participants. Any Hasher found transgressing the spirit is disciplined by the RA, when he actually runs circle, which is rarely. He is the keeper of the Sacred Laws of Hashing and comes up with sufficiently plausible lies to cover any serious questions of propriety of actions within the Hash.
Hare Raisers: Butt Quack and Pubic Enema
The Hare Raiser(s) makes sure there’s a hare (or hares) for each Hash, and that the start location is known to the On-Sec well in advance of Hash Day for publicity purposes. The Hare Raiser IS the hare if (s)he can’t find anyone else to do it.
Beer Meister: Up the Butt Bob
This is unquestionably the most important position in the Hash. The Beermeister has the weighty responsibility of making sure that the lifeblood of Hashing is available at each and every Hash event. He keeps constant vigilance to find the cheapest spirituous fermenti available, always has coolers in the trunk of his car, and cases of beer in his garage, and reliably returns the empty keg between the On-On and the On-On-On. This job requires a strong back and a weak mind.
Hash Cash/On-Sec: Butt Quack
As Hash Cash, the holder of the purse strings. Some one needs to dash about at the start of each Hash begging for money. Some one has to keep track of what comes in and what goes out (commonly referred to as “the old in and out”). These generally unappreciated duties fall on the shoulders of the Hash Cash. This trustworthy soul must withstand the whining of the Hares who have overspent, the whimpering of those who forgot their fees, and the interrogations of those who mistakenly think there should be some sort of accounting for Hash funds.
As On-Sec, this position is the masochist’s dream. (S)he struggles with piles of papers, miles of computer wire, and attempts to occasionally produce Hash Trash to keep the Hash members reasonably informed. He/she is the MCH3 official representative on the internet, maintaining information on the web site like e-mail lists and other such forms of nonsense, but not really, because that has fallen to the Hare Raiser in recent years. The On-Sec also maintains the Hash membership database and publishes the Hound Directory, sometimes, or actually never at all. Boring stuff to say the least. At years end, he/she is responsible for tallying the statistics of the hash so we can identify all the over and under achieving bastards and bitches in the hash at Hashmas.
Hash Haberdashery: Pubic Enema
The haberdasher produces (sometimes) t-shirts for themed hashes, procures patches and other hashy crap for wankers to purchase. If you have an idea for a hashy bit of merchandise, you can suggest it, but chances are it won’t be produced unless you do it yourself.
Hash Mouth: Wrong Way Corrigan
The Hash Mouth runs the official business of the On-On with an iron hand. He must be loud, clear, passionate, articulate, humorous and possess an uncommon ability to think on his feet. It also helps if he speaks English.
Songmeister: Vacant (but we all know it’s Corrigan)
This is a Hasher with no self-respect. (S)he never lacks for a song suitable for the occasion. His songs are risqué, lewd, and vulgar. The Songmeister speaks with other Hashers and Hashes to add to the Hash Hymnal. The mission is to explore new tunes and new celebrations to boldly go where no Songmeister has gone before (pardon the split infinitive).
Web Wankers: Cock on the Rocks
If you’re reading this, the Web Wanker has half-assed their job enough times to be sort of done. Keeper of the sacred intertubes that delivery of hash misinformation. Spends enough time online for it to be considered Birth Control (although spawning happened early 2015). Can reconfigure Apache from a cell phone in a bar after 5 drinks.
From time to time, these positions are also filled but are currently vacant:
The person who captures on film for posterity all embarrassing Hash moments. The Hash Flash must have an acute sense of the absurd to know what to take photos of, and also to a small degree the reliability to bring a camera, film, take pictures, have them developed, and put only the finest thereof into the sacred photo album.
A trashy wench who has seen the dark side of Hashing, and likes it! One with a lust for life who revels in being the butt of the jester’s ribald wit, the object of the Songmeister’s bawdy lyric, and the centerpiece of all sensual Hash repartee.
Equipment requirements: A bugle or other wind instrument. Performance venue: The Hash trail. Musical ability: Optional.
This is arguably the most complicated position within the Hash hierarchy. The responsibility surrounds the custody of a large cardboard box filled with the flotsam and jetsam of past Hashes. Precisely why this crap is retained is a mystery shrouded in the mythology of Hashdom. However, the Hashit itself rarely makes it to the hash, although the custodian is almost always there himself. This reinforces the argument that remembering to bring the Hashit is probably beyond the cognitive ability of your average Hasher.