Who’s in Charge Here?
That is a loaded question, indeed. If you are a law enforcement agent, angry significant other, or the owner of that Mexican place in Berry Hill … it wasn’t us.
Grand Master/Mistress: Butt Pirate
The guiding light. Gispert’s legacy. The multi-talented GM that leads a great circle. The GM is not simply a figurehead for the Hash; rather, they personify the Hash’s character (or lack thereof). A leader with a dynamic strength that permeates the fabric of the organization. Both directly, and through the officers, they give inspiration, direction, and vision to all. This job ranks only below Beer Meister in real importance to the Hash.
Religious Advisor: Phil Nye, The Science Bi
Keeper of the faith. Enforcer of the scriptures. This is the Hasher who has seen the light (Bud Light) and can taste in his soul the true spirit of Hashing. The RA spreads the word and inspires the zest and zeal of the Hash in all participants. Any Hasher found transgressing the spirit is disciplined by the RA, when they actually run circle, which is rarely. They are the performer of namings and weddings and the keeper of the Sacred Laws of Hashing. They come up with sufficiently plausible lies to cover any serious questions of propriety of actions within the Hash.
Hare Raiser: The SadHeAteHer
The Hare Raiser makes sure there’s a hare (or hares) for each Hash, and that the start location is known to the hash well in advance of the day of the hash for publicity purposes. The Hare Raiser IS the hare if they can’t find anyone else to do it.
Beer Meister: Suck Master
This is unquestionably the most important position in the Hash. The Beermeister has the weighty responsibility of making sure that the lifeblood of Hashing is available at each and every Hash event. They keep constant vigilance to find the cheapest spirituous fermenti available, always has coolers in the trunk of their car, and cases of beer in their garage, and reliably returns the empty keg between the On-On and the On-On-On. This job requires a strong back and a weak mind.
Hash Cash: Fee Fi Fo Fuck
As Hash Cash, the holder of the purse strings. Someone needs to dash about at the start of each Hash begging for money. Someone has to keep track of what comes in and what goes out (commonly referred to as “the old in and out”). These generally unappreciated duties fall on the shoulders of the Hash Cash. This trustworthy soul must withstand the whining of the Hares who have overspent, the whimpering of those who forgot their fees, and the interrogations of those who mistakenly think there should be some sort of accounting for Hash funds.
On Sec: Butt Pirate
As On-Sec, this position is the masochist’s dream. They struggle with piles of papers, miles of computer wire, and attempts to occasionally produce Hash Trash to keep the Hash members reasonably informed. The On-Sec also maintains the Hash membership database and publishes the Hound Directory. Boring stuff to say the least. At years end, they are responsible for tallying the statistics of the hash so we can identify the over and underachieving bastards and bitches in the hash at Hashmas.
Hash Haberdashery: Diddy Kong, MD
The haberdasher produces (sometimes) t-shirts for themed hashes, procures patches and other hashy crap for wankers to purchase. If you have an idea for a hashy bit of merchandise, you can suggest it, but chances are it won’t be produced unless you do it yourself.
Song Meister: I. L. Pack Her
This is a Hasher with no self-respect. They never lack for a song suitable for the occasion. Their songs are risqué, lewd, and vulgar. The Songmeister speaks with other Hashers and Hashes to add to the Hash Hymnal. The mission is to explore new tunes and new celebrations to boldly go where no Songmeister has gone before (pardon the split infinitive).
Web Wankers: Flotsam & Waxie
If you’re reading this, the Web Wanker has half-assed their job enough times to be sort of done. Keeper of the sacred intertubes that delivery of hash misinformation. Spends enough time online for it to be considered Birth Control (although spawning happened early 2015). Can reconfigure Apache from a cell phone in a bar after 5 drinks.
Hash Flash: Pussy Express
If you see someone pointing a camera on trail in your general direction, don’t be alarmed, it is just your Hash Flash. They are here to document the good, the bad, the ugly and quite often hilarious. Not for money or blackmail, just for posterity. So smile, look guilty, or just strike a pose, just don’t break the lens.